Time for me has been a big issue lately. I think about how I want time to go by faster, but I fear that if it does I won't be prepared for what it brings. I feel like I'm stuck in time, and that the things I want to accomplish aren't coming any time soon. I have a lot of things that I wish I was doing. I surround myself with professional ideals that I can't attain at my young age. At the same time I feel like I'm just being impatient. Maybe it's just that I want so many things, that I have to work for. However, it's not money or power that I want. I just want an opportunity to start somewhere, start from nothing. I just want to start.
This might be the disadvantage of knowing what I wanted at such a young age. I studied and researched my career choices so in depth. I found people to look up to, and followed everything they did. In almost 3 years I had plans to accomplish anything I wanted. The problem is that it seems like life isn't making me follow my plans, and you know sometimes life does that to you. I just had to start over and come up with a new game plan. Sometimes a set back allows you to acknowledge the realities in life, and helps you devise a plan that is more realistic. I think reality is sometimes the leading obstacles in dreams.
I sometimes read fashion magazines and spend so much time reading the masthead. I look at the names and their job titles, and think about how much I would like to work, associate, and converse with them. I just read the articles and look at the content, hoping that maybe I'll be involved in the process (even if the only thing I did was run for the coffee that helped with those long days). I often sit there, a little sad, and wonder if indeed that will one day be me. It's a little pessimistic to feel sad about not being somewhere you can't be at the moment, but it's just that I desire to be apart of something. To put my ideas, or just a bit of my help, into creating something with others. The thing about reality is that it can be as good as fantasy, it's just much harder to obtain.
In my moments of "depression", I like to surround myself with my favorite magazines. I started organizing my pile of magazines that had accumulated in a couple of months. I sorted them, and separated them according to the publication company. I then took them into the garage to put them away in my archives. I had magazines from August through October, and they were to soon be with years of magazines. As I uncovered my little archives I realized something. I saw magazines that I had received not too long ago, yet in publication terms they felt so old. I realized that time does pass, and quite quickly. I noticed that as fast as I receive magazines every month, the time and seasons change. I thought that maybe in a few years I would come back to look at my archives, and look at the magazines that still felt so recent but were of the years I dreamed of belonging somewhere. So I grew a bit of optimism, because with every magazine I get, time goes by. As I read and research, I'll soon get to the place I aspire and it will seem like time flew by. Time flies faster by the flip of a page.